in jerusalem

(no subject)

a list of what i want for this year :
to play strip poker and swim in the lake all summer
to trust more
to realize it will never happen
to stop doubting and analyzing
to sleep, eat more leaves, sunflower seeds, vitamins
to forgive myself .

i'm confident that for the first time in my life, i feel my age. no older, no younger, exactly as i am.
my birthday was quiet and went by quickly. i lounged and wrote and went to rehearsal, and i love you all so much.
greta made me a notebook pasted with all kinds of beautiful pictures of dylan, explained to me what 'macca' meant, and made me giddy. hannah gave me a lucky penny that i will continue to hollow out, look for a new chain, and wear it all the time, if i can.

over the weekend i wandered the peninsula in the fog, in a daze, silver and shopkeeper's irish accents (he's gentle and tells me the origins of my name), ignored garage bands i was supposed to be seeing, read of yeats' black cat and niamh's doomed love, zoned out to tibetan chanting and bought a green silk scarf. i looked for marina tsvetaeva but ended up with lord tennyson (what am i doing with tennyson?).

mum gave me cinema tickets, and dad, a meditation pad (a 'zafu') that looks like his mustache; it now bears his name.

pan's labyrinth is hauntingly beautiful.